How to use your assertiveness and express it calmly

Assertiveness, a concept introduced at the beginning of the 20^th century by American psychologist Andrew Salter, refers to our capacity to express ourselves and defend our rights while respecting others. It is often termed self-affirmation. In the working world, this soft skill is central to leadership as it questions the authority and influence we can have over ourselves and others; it comes into play in our relationships with others and the way we manage conflict. 

To talk about this essential skill, the EDHEC Career Centre for Life invited Camille Guise (EDHEC 2004), a certified coach who works with top executives, to run one of the webinars in the 2021 Alumni Summer Session. An opportunity to think about the way we communicate, whether we’re a shrinking violet or bursting with confidence. So how can we take a step back and work on improving our assertiveness? 

Passive or aggressive communication: characteristics and consequences

Our attitude in terms of self-affirmation is expressed in three ways: passiveness, neutrality or aggression. Saying too much or not saying a word can lead to explosive situations or even professional exhaustion if we are unable to communicate our desires. Camille explains that having passive or aggressive behaviour can be adapted to specific situations. But their consequences are often damaging for the self or our relationships with others.

People who communicate passively tend to allow themselves to be dominated by others, keep quiet about their needs or wait for others to guess them. We generally don’t hear from them much and they flee conflict. This leads to great frustration at not having said what needed to be said, and runs the risk of them “blowing their lid”. In contrast, people who display aggression know how to express their desires but fail to act in a way that is respectful of others. With a rigid attitude, they express themselves very directly, sometimes even brutally, monopolising the conversation with a tendency to generalise and counter attack when conflict arises. Such inappropriate behaviour allows them to get what they want, but can lead to feelings of guilt for having acted forcefully.

The consequences of a lack or excess of assertiveness are very tangible: they trigger negative emotions which in turn lead to self-devaluation and complex relationships with others, with the person sometimes even caught in a vicious circle: the less I express my needs, the less I get what I want and the less I value myself, etc. 

 Where does our assertiveness behaviour stem from?

The concept of assertiveness emerged in the United States, in the context of the development of racial minorities and feminist movements, but also from non-violent communication, a process developed by psychologist Marshall Rosenberg. But how do we distinguish assertiveness from aggression? The differences are all too clear: an assertive person negotiates while an aggressive person imposes their will. The former engages in dialogue rather than threats, respects others rather than putting them down. They judge behaviours rather than individuals. Camille says, “the real difference between aggressive communication and assertive communication is that nothing can be said against you”. 

In fact, your capacity to assert yourself is influenced by many factors: education, working environment, fears and beliefs, self-esteem. In France, where education follows strict norms, people learn the importance of respecting hierarchies, how to express themselves in a structured way, rarely stepping out of line, which compels them to control their comments, ideas, behaviours and emotions. Limiting behaviours and fears (judgement, ridicule, failure, etc.) also condition our reactions, as does our working environment, which can be more or less rigid, demanding or open-minded. Lastly, a high level of self-esteem is a fundamental condition for properly asserting oneself. 

Other aspects have an impact on our assertiveness. Camille explains the three dimensions of human beings, revealed by the world of behavioural and cognitive therapy: 

• the head, or cognitive dimension (reflection, reasoning, anticipation, etc.)
• the heart, or affective dimension (feelings)
• the guts, or conative dimension (the ways we act, reactions, etc.)

These three dimensions impact the way we communicate. This is why taking your feelings into account when faced with a situation is essential if you are to express yourself and act calmly; we’re talking here about interpersonal skills, which are central to assertiveness.

Learn to change the way you communicate to establish your assertiveness

Assertiveness is a useful soft skill, whether you’re a manager (responsible both for achieving set objectives and for cohesion within your staff team) or are managed (smooth communication with your superiors). And here’s the good news: it can be learned!

Camille recommends progressing gradually, working on your assertiveness first of all in situations that you don’t see as too complicated: making a request or criticism, putting your feelings into words, public speaking, etc. Your aim is to identify and classify these situations according to their level of complexity and the people with whom they are problematic, and then to practice each scenario beginning with the easiest behavioural changes to adopt for you. For example, to communicate effectively, take a step back from the circumstances, analyse your feelings and needs, and allow yourself to say no if necessary, while at the same time proposing solutions and avoiding negative impositions. 

The DESC method is highly effective when it comes to learning how to say things and managing emotional conflict scenarios. Created in the 1970s by Sharon and Gordon Bower, it tells you how to make an assertive request in 4 stages:

• D:Describe the situation factually
• E:Express your feelings about the situation
• S:Specify a realistic and desirable outcome 
• C forConsequences: outline the positive consequences for everyone involved 

This method can be used to get some distance from your own emotions and encourage others to take responsibility. Camille emphasises one thing: “don’t hesitate to postpone a challenging conversation to prepare for it”. And if you must react immediately, she recommends simple breathing techniques to control your emotions and react in a way that is more constructive. Lastly, focus on factual information rather than justifications, make sure you express any disagreement without hostility and negotiate with empathy.

Being assertive for greater efficiency and serenity

 Adopting an assertive attitude is about expressing your needs and desires while respecting those of others, listening and allowing others to speak, making eye contact, appearing relaxed, expressing yourself clearly and precisely, and looking for compromise where there is disagreement. Having the courage to say what you think with assurance and benevolence makes for a calmer environment, both for yourself and your relationships with others. This way, assertiveness will enrich your interactions with others, allow you to be aligned with yourself, happy to express your needs but also to get what you want more easily and improve your self-esteem. In short, it will help you be more fulfilled and perform better!

And to finish, here’s another tangible resource, one of Camille’s recommended reads: Savoir s’affirmer en toutes circonstances by Charly Cungi, where you will find a wealth of advice about micro-situations.

The EDHEC Alumni community is on hand to chat with you and answer any questions you might have. And make sure you check the calendar of events so you can take part in webinars that interest you.